Awwww... Spring..

Spring has come and this time of year is truly thought provoking and full of memories for me. Where to even start..

Many of you know that Mike and I were pregnant with Grace before we were married and it was this time of year we found out... 6 years ago.
It was the hardest time of my life and Mike and I had a lot of decisions to make. Those memories still haunt my thoughts every once in a while to this day especially this time of year.
I think it was hard because it was so embarrassing! I think I am going to have to warn you that this post may be long, depends on how  much I want to spill today but since I have time while the kids nap, I feel like spilling my heart out.. I just need to. ;) I do have to say though, that even though those memories were bitter to taste the outcome has been so sweet! Seriously sweeter than sugar.

I think I will start with how Mike and I met, since I have never shared that before.

It was the first week of Sept and I was working as a leasing agent for an apt complex named College Terrace and Remington apts. They were for UVU college housing. Mike was attending his 2nd year at BYU and his contract fell through and there was no more housing for men, so He was given a list of apartments that would be suitable for him to live at while he attended BYU within the permitted radius of the school. College Terrace was one of the many on the list.

It was just right after labor day and the on sight manager brought up a hand written note that said something like "thanks for returning my phone call before the weekend! I am homeless BYU student who had to sleep under a bridge and freeze to death. Call me please!"(Sarcastically) and he gave his number. Somehow we must have missed his call to schedule an appointment and he came after hours. So I called him and told him he could come at any time that day and I would show him the model apartment and if he was interested we could get the process started.

So he came in and he was definitely easy on the eyes! My manager (who was close in age with me) thought he was sooo handsome! He walked in with blue jeans, a white t-shirt, his hair blonde and tan skin, he was tall, athletic, in shape, and his eyes were light blue like the sky. He seriously looked like a dream and he just shined. His smile was so warm too.
I didn't show interest in him though because I figured since he was so handsome that he probably puffed up and would play the girls to get what he wants. (far from what he is like) but I didn't know that quite yet.
Mike says to me all the time that because I didn't show interest in him, that it made him even more interested in me. He says, that he thought I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that I made him feel like he was just some "little college boy" hahaha, he cracks me up!
He loves to remind me about that day and how he felt. He gives me a play by play of how beautiful he thought I was, that he loved my eyes and my smile, and then he went looking to see if I had a ring on my finger. hahaha.. I think he is just trying to score brownie points.. ;)

During the walk through of the model apartment, he didn't even pay attention to the apt (or else he would have never moved in), he just kept asking me questions about myself and we got to talking and we really hit it off.
We finished the contract and he was all set to move in the next day. He even called his parents and left a voice mail (that they saved) where he told them, he found the place where he is going to live, because there is a cute office girl and he is going to take her out. ;)

He came in everyday for some reason or another to talk to me, and then after a week or so he asked me out on our first date, which was September 13th.

I was caught really off guard, since I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship. I had dated a boy in high school that I had loved and had been writing off and on while he was on his mission and I thought I would probably end up marrying him, although I wasn't quite sure if that was going to happen, because of the off writing and he had broken my heart before, so I just wasn't 100% sure, but up until that point, I had not met someone who could change my mind and heart about the other boy,

So when Mike asked me out, I thought it would be just like all other dates and that it wouldn't go anywhere. I was completely wrong! We had a great time, and I was really impressed with him. He was more than just a good looking guy. His spirit was really attractive because the light of Christ just shined in him. I loved that he served a mission because he really wanted to and because he loves and cares about other people and he was the only one who served in his large family.. not that his family isn't great, their beliefs are different, and he didn't follow that path. I wanted to marry someone who was committed to the gospel and to Jesus Christ. Even though his siblings aren't active in the church, you could tell by the way he spoke about them, that he did not judge them, that in fact he loved and respected every single one, and that was also a character trait that I fell in love with because not being active in church doesn't make you a bad person, and I love that he isn't judgmental of people.

So our first date was really nice.. he had peaked my interest, Our second date was two days later and it was a lunch date. It was a Saturday, and we had ran into each other just after I got off work. He asked me out to lunch and to go play frisby football. We grabbed some subway, we ran to my place and grabbed some more active attire, and we went to a park near BYU and he just went right up to some random group playing Frisby football and asked if we could join them. We had a blast! Mike says he started to fall for me at this point. My team lost, but he thought I made a cute loser because I didn't take things so seriously.  I thought he was a stud because I got see his athletic side. ;) seriously ladies.. what girl doesn't love to see a man in his athletic element, getting all hot and sweaty? ;)

The following day, he came over to my parents house for Navajo tacos, and that all played out by accident. We were talking on the phone while he was at church stuffing his face with plates of spaghetti after the eat and greet because he didn't go grocery shopping and he didn't want to break the Sabbath. So I told him to come over and grab dinner at my parents since we had plenty of food. I guess he wanted to see me again, since he took on meeting the big family I had!
Mike ended up staying for hours, time just flew as he and I sat on my parents couch talking, and that was where our first kiss took place.. which was accidental as well. As we talked he crept closer to me to put his arm around me. Then as I was talking he leaned in to kiss my cheek and I turned to see what he was doing, and there ya go.. first kiss! We laughed and we gave each other a better first kiss ;). When I walked Mike out to the porch when he was leaving, he couldn't stop kissing me. At one point when we was walking down to his car, he came running back up to me and kissed me again. We should have known we were in trouble! ;)

Mike said all through school the next day that he was on cloud nine and was walking around with a smile on his face all day. hahaha, so was I.

We saw each other every day for two weeks! but we hadn't talked about defining our relationship until his friends noticed how much time we were spending together, that they told him "You have a girlfriend." FYI, Mike was non committal at this time in his life. He had never had a girlfriend because in his eyes, when you commit like that, it means the next thing you are headed for is marriage. So since he wasn't ready to be married, he didn't want a girlfriend. So he talked to me about his commitment problem and we agreed to date other people. Don't get me wrong though..  I was disappointed. but you can't force someone to be at the same place as you or to feel the same as you, so I respected that he was upfront with me. I just told him, that I will not share lips with other girls, so if he is kissing another girl, I am out.

Since Mike was taking out other girls, there was another that he had kissed and he let me know. I didn't show any emotion until I got home. I had started to fall in love and I was so shocked by my emotions and surprised I felt this way so fast especially since there was another guy in the picture who I knew I could probably have a happy marriage with, but there was something about Mike that I felt connected to and knew I was going to miss if I lost him. I was so confused with what I felt and all I wanted to do was let go of my feelings for him so that I could feel peace. So I went to the temple and prayed for help and as I was sitting there I had this feeling of peace come over me and I was prompted to go to my parents house.That my step dad was awake (this was at 10 pm) and since their home was just around the corner, I went home, and sure enough there he was sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He said he couldn't sleep, so I told him everything! We laughed and cried and after wards he told me that he felt he needed to give me a father's blessing, so I let him, and I was told to be patient and to wait for Mike to come around. So I did.
2 weeks later, late at night, there was a knock at the door, so in my pj's and no makeup, I answered the door, and it was Mike. He had a beautiful bouquet of flowers and taco bell. lol and he came in and talked to me. He did this for about 2 weeks and afterwards told me he wanted to commit to a relationship with me. That 2 weeks prior he was walking around campus and every time he saw a cute girl that he might ask out, he would think, No, why am I doing this, I already know I want Camilla.  So that was the night he showed up at my door.

 We dove right in. he also was aware of my decision. That I had a previous boyfriend that was coming home, that I had been writing and that I needed to make a decision and get closure. but with every passing day, we feel head over heels and within weeks we were talking about marriage, but I needed to meet his family. On the 27th he bought me a ticket and flew me out the next day to meet his entire family.
On the way home from the airport he asked me how I would feel to become a Hondel, I knew that I would love to be married to him and I could see myself apart of the family.
So we talked more about marriage and started heading down that road, when we took a moment of kissing too far. We went to talk with our bishop and started the repentance process. We felt all would be fine since our bishop, after telling him every little thing that happened, that it was very unlikely that we would be pregnant.

We were doing great, and a couple months later we found out I was pregnant, Mike was a trooper! He handled this so well. While I sat and cried in the doctors office, he got all the information we needed for nutrition, vitamins, doctor appointments and insurance. I couldn't look at him and I was so angry with myself for getting ourselves in that position. I was just so angry with myself! Later that week there was actually a moment when I was reading my scriptures and crying on the stairs outside my apartment, that I felt the arms of an angel hold me tight, to tell me all would be just fine. I knew in that moment it would, and that I knew that angel was our little Grace.

I think one of the hardest parts of this, was though I got closure with my old relationship with the "missionary" it wasn't the best way and I wish I had done things differently. I wish I hadn't taken so long to tell the "missionary" about my relationship with Mike. I was scared and confused but yet I had my answer. In my mind I thought the "missionary" had already let me go. He wasn't writing me often, and in my heart I knew something was wrong.  I just didn't speak up when I should have and at the last minute Mike walks into my life and changes everything! I hate the idea of breaking someone's heart, I would prefer to be the dumpee. even though that stinks too. Also Mike was hurt in the process of my confusion, he thought for a moment he was going to lose me because I was so angry and confused. If I could go back and change the way I reacted, I would do it in a heart beat!

Even though Christ through the atonement heals us, there are days I regret not having the courage to tell people I had cared about, what happened. That I let my embarrassment and fear get the best of me, and resulted in me only thinking about myself and how I felt and not about how I was effecting others. Fear of breaking someone's heart, resulted in actually breaking a lot of hearts.

I have to say Mike is amazing! what a sweet and patient man he is. When all the drama was unfolding he never voiced frustration with me, but showed love and mercy towards me and when I came to him crying about everything after breaking his heart, he just held me and told me he loved me. I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father was giving me the clarity I needed to remember why I loved Mike so much.

I have learned so much. I have learned through that process why it's so important to keep the commandments God gives us and I learned the power of the Atonement. It is so important to keep the commandments because it allows the Holy Ghost to be with you, to help give you clarity and to help you make wise choices. For the Atonement, that when we do end up making a bad choice, we can repent and be forgiven not only from God and others you wrong, but to forgive yourself! and not only just for repenting and forgiving but also letting Christ take away your pain. I cried almost every night for years because I was angry with myself, so much and I was so hard on myself. I couldn't believe my behavior, it just wasn't me. I was a good girl who loved the lord and wanted to always do what is right and I made a bad decision in a weak moment and that weak moment lead to other not very good decisions.

I am so sorry for this long post that seemed so happy, and is truly happy but then ended so somber. I just have had a lot on my mind. This time of year does that, and I have never come out to tell  my feelings other than to my husband, my Heavenly Father, and our parents. I just needed to get it off my chest and write my feelings down, so thank you... if you have read this far.. I would be impressed! ;)

Have any of you ever told yourself, "if I could write a letter to me, what would I tell myself or warn myself of." This experience would have been one of them. ;) What we regret is the obvious, but at the same time, where would we be if that hadn't happened? we wouldn't have our sweet little Grace right now, and she is amazing!

 Mike and I decided to get married, and we married May 17th 2008 in the Provo Timpanogas park, and it was a beautiful day and it truly felt as if we were in the temple getting married. There was a beautiful and sweet presence there. It was small, we didn't invite many people, mainly because I was so embarrassed about the circumstance of why we were getting married so soon. but it was special, and Mike and I were so happy to be starting our life's together. Our marriage is a blessing and it was so important that we were together, and that Heavenly Father sent Grace to  make sure it happened! ;)

We are so happy! 6 years of marriage is coming up and that makes this time of year a happy one! I feel much better getting this all off my chest and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who loves us and is aware of us and wants us to be happy. I love our Savior Jesus Christ, for sacrificing his life, so that we could repent of our dumb mistakes, and that he takes our heart ache and despair upon himself, so that we don't have to feel it anymore, or that our burdens our lightened. I just cry thinking about it all and how grateful I am to him. That someone would love me enough to carry my load of burdens and heart ache so that I can be happy and that my dumb mistakes are forgiven and remembered no more. I am so grateful!! Something for us all to remember this Month as Easter approaches. This was the true meaning of Easter. :)

Love to you all,

Your friend, Camilla