So tonight, I needed to relax, being a mom can be stressful, my job never ends and there is so much to do, not just with the kids but other responsibilities outside of the home. My body is feeling sore after it's injuries a couple weeks ago and my mind is exhausted so after the kids went to sleep I took a relaxing Epsom salt bath. I had a lot of time to think...
There is a thought weighing hard on my mind...
Have any of you ever met someone and you could tell by the air, that you bug them or that they don't like you? Even though there is no real evidence, just body language and observation of how they treat others versus you. Why is that? I wonder. Why is it that this person doesn't seem to like you? What are you doing wrong? have you offended them? I hope not! Why don't they seem to like me? That is a question I ask myself sometimes. Actually all the time when I was a young girl. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel weird and not likeable.
You may not know this, but I am super insecure inside.. I don't feel super likeable, I'm friendly but what if someone knew all your quarks the weirdness that makes you.... you and they didn't like you or they thought you were weird. That is how I feel a lot. I was picked on in middle school for being "different" I was a "Molly Mormon." Even though 90% of my peers shared my same faith. But it wasn't just in school, it was in my young women classes too. I had zero friends for a while.. not joking. Even though as an adult, I realize how ridiculous those boys and girls were acting, it still effects apart of me. I was called nasty names on a daily bases, my home was egged, and the girls in my young women's classes refused to sit next to me or talk to me, and called me names there as well. I didn't understand why I was so unlikeable. I tried so hard.. I was that girl who cried in her bedroom at night because she felt so alone. My mom would tell me what every mom, and exactly what I would tell my daughter, and that is, they are jealous. In my mind, I was stuck thinking, "of what?" they have it all, I'm not cuter than they are? so they have no real reason to be jealous if that was the case.
There were some instances where I had young women leaders who treated me differently, they were rude sometimes.. there was one in particular that my mom had spoken to, and it came down to.. that she thought because I am "cute, blonde, and talented" that I didn't need "extra attention" She didn't want my ego to blow out of proportion. (This was middle school age, not high school where we lived in Provo)( My young women leaders and friends there were awesome!!) ;)
I promise I am going some where with this!
These things have gotten me thinking.. Women are just grown up girls. We still have the same insecurities and sometimes deal with that struggle.
We should give everyone a fair chance. The beautiful, plain, talented, outgoing, shy, even the socially awkward. Give them a chance for a true friend. Enough with judging others or ignoring them because they aren't like you.
I sure hope I don't make anyone feels this way! I know that I don't spark up conversations with nearly the amount of women I want to get to know within my own ward. I want to be better at that. It hurts being left out. I can't tell you enough that just because in your eyes I may look like I am super confident, that I might have a pretty face or I am super outgoing, doesn't mean I am just as insecure, I may not see what you and the world sees, and all I want is a friend. I really just want a chance for you to get to know me because I think I can make a really great friend.
There is this song that I love from the Primary Song book called "I'll walk with you." and it says, "if you don't talk like most people do, some people walk away from you, but I won't, I won't! If you don't talk as most people do, some people talk and laugh at you, but I won't! I won't! I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you. Jesus walked away from none. He gave his love to everyone, so I will, I will! Jesus blessed all he could see, then turned and said, "come follow me!" So I will, I will! I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you!"
That is one of my absolute favorite hymns! The words are true and so simple to understand! We don't truly know what is going on in the mind of a person. They may seem like they have it all together, but inside they feel like shambles. You may judge what they say or how they act because they don't talk or act the way you do or would in certain situations. Really those people still deserve your friendship. I can totally relate. I tend to feel frustrated with people when I don't understand them... so I'm totally not on my "high horse" preaching repentance! ;) This subject has just been on my mind a lot, and I can relate both ways and I really hurt for the person who is insecure inside, because I can relate. It's a crappy feeling when you give a friendly face to someone, to have them in turn ignore you. Sometimes when we are rushed we ignore our surroundings, I guess it would be better for us to slow down and make the people around us feel loved, important, and accepted.
To the world, I may seem like I have it all together, You might think I'm pretty, or that I am smart and talented and because you think this, you might think I also know this to be true but it's the opposite. I don't always see what others see. I see a young girl who struggles with rosacea on her cheeks, dark circles under her eyes, crooked teeth, broad shoulders, mommy pooch, saggy boobs, but I'm not just insecure on the outside, but inside a little too. I don't feel smart, I am a deep thinker and sometimes I don't feel relatable with people. I am quirky and have a silly sense of humor and I laugh at potty jokes. I walk around with a big smile on my face and sometimes that bugs people (that's rare I think), and when I recognize someone, I don't hesitate to run over and talk to them even if I forgot their name. I think spiritual all the time. I think that is my biggest insecurity. Shouldn't be. but it is sometimes. I feel like people don't relate with me and I fear people might think I'm weird. I don't understand why my mind won't shut off to thinking deeply like that. With all this said, I want to share that because of these insecurities, I don't walk around in a dark hole, when I said I walk around with a smile on my face, I do because I know who I am in my Father in Heaven's eyes and that is all that matters to me. (also my husband makes me feel beautiful to him, and that's all that matters too.) but that doesn't mean I believe him all the time.. he is half blind after all! ;) but even knowing who I am as a daughter of God doesn't mean I still face challenges of insecure thoughts.
The reason why I feel so insecure about these things, is because in the past I have been made fun of for all of the above. So I keep it in. I didn't want to share this and have people who read this to run to my aide.. I just want everyone to know who I am inside, and I think these thoughts can help us all care a little more for the people around us that you "think" you have figured out. We really don't know what the deepest thoughts are in the people around us.
Anyways, today I just miss my family, and my miss my dear friends who became sisters to me, Rachel, Sara, and Jura. ;) Wish we all didn't have to live so darn far apart! XOXOXO!
P.S.. This all might be me just super girly hormonal.. even us women can't figure ourselves out! Sheesh! ;)
Love, Camilla
Our little Family
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Huge Update on our crazy lives! Christmas and New Years addition. ;)
Goodness it's been a while! It's about 2 am.. i'm too lazy to verify, I'm sick.... well, the whole family is sick! We barely made it through Christmas with out the buggies attacking our home. I am actually grateful we were healthy during the week of Christmas. So for the update where I don't even know where to start. That's how it goes when I start writing.. I just do it when I find time and hope I can think of what to write.
This month was such a blurr! I guess I'll start with Christmas. First we had a ward Christmas party. It was really nice.. I really love our ward! We have really amazing people who feel like family to us. I was the photographer who got to take the pictures of the kids on Santa's knee, and oh my goodness gracious the guy who played Santa (brother Belliston) was amazing! He looked like the real deal! and he was perfect! He's so jolly and charismatic naturally anyways, so it was really a no brainer for him to be Santa. Even I got my picture with him, because I adore him! He's been apart of Mike's life since he was a young'n. Here are the pics from that and anyone from our ward who might read this, your pictures are on their way! :)
My kids crack me up! Michael of course stuck out his tongue, Grace was sweet like always and Abigail liked him from a distance but Santa wanted a crying picture.. and he got what he asked for! Seriously none of the other kids cried when they saw him (i'm talking about the whole primary full of kids) He's so sweet, that every kid smiles.. but not Abigail.. she just looked at us and puckerd her lips and her chin and bottom lip started to quiver.. She is soooooooo cute when she cries!
Afterwards (the Christmas party was a breakfast by the way) that evening some ladies I serve with in Primary had a girls night and celebrated our good friend (Kari)'s birthday. We had quite the adventure! It was a long night full of imperfections that had us laughing and soaking wet from the wind and rain. We went to Applebee's and went bowling.. pretty simple right? wrong..seriously everything that could have gone wrong, did.. and it was pretty funny! I just love the ladies I serve with! We have a blast and they are so real and down to earth. It really was sooo much fun!
For Christmas eve we had our good friends (the Nielsens) over and we always have fun with them. We just goof off. I took a ton of pictures but I have yet to upload them so that'll be on the next post. We both made yummy appetizers and we had loaded potato soup for dinner. We also decorated sugar cookies for Santa with the kids. We had some fun with that. Once the kids were done and running around, we made a delicious looking cookie woman giving birth in honor of my sister having a baby the following week ahead and we sent her the picture.. it was pretty gory.. and sooo funny! We also made some other hilarious ones. The reason we do this is because the back story from a few years ago.. Mike and I were in Utah for Christmas and my Mom's tradition is to decorate sugar cookies for Santa. Well she has some serious OCD when it comes to nicely decorated cookies (sorry mom) it's the truth. We're pretty much her slaves and we have to make them look nice (her orders) Just kidding! (we love decorating pretty cookies mom!) Anyway, Mike did not know this, we did not warn him. He started decorating his own creativity, making his own colors and patterns (not pretty at all) well when my mom came in to see the cookies, my mom pointed to Mike's cookies and asked who made these hideous cookies? (thinking it was one of my brothers goofing off) and (she was mad). We all look over kinda confused, that's when my step dad walked over to see what she was frustrated over and he saw Mike's cookie's and said (excuse the language), "THIS LOOKS LIKE A PILE OF SHIT!!) oh. my. gosh. We were laughing sooooo hard! and I still laugh to the point of tears every time I think about it. They didn't know that Mike was actually doing his best work and they didn't know it was his. Poor guy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So that led on to my siblings and I giving my parents a hard time and actually (purposefully) making "POOP" cookies. So This year I made ginger bread men cut out sugar cookies and made brown choc frosting and made the man look like he had pooped his pants and sent the picture to my parents. Anyways that is our new tradition between us kids and now my parents. We then had Apple Crumble pie and vanilla ice cream and watched Tim Allen's "the Santa Clause" one of my favorites. We also opened Christmas jammies. After the Nielsen's went home we got the kiddos ready for bed, read our Scriptures, this time about Jesus's birth and went to bed... well the kids did and Mr. and Mrs Clause got the presents ready under the tree and ate cookies and milk. ;)
The kids had a blast Christmas morning, they were loved and Santa was generous this year.. more than we had planned. We went for simple and we still were pretty simple other than the fact we bought them humongous stuffed animals (2 unicorns and 1 lion) the kids loved them but they take up a lot of room. For breakfast I made my usual croissant sausage, egg and cheese casserole. We love it and I have made it almost every year since we've been married.
Later that afternoon we went to Mike's sister's house for a Family Christmas party. It was fun as usual. Jen is awesome at planning games and activities and we also had a white elephant gift exchange, which was very entertaining! I gorged on Russian tea cakes.. MY FAVORITE!! and some delicious chocolate hazelnut fudge my Sister in law Chris made. She is the best at desserts. I'm pretty sure I ate 2 lbs of butter that day.. but I didn't gain weight. I gained 1 lb the whole holiday week! Which is a miracle... or just exercising everyday so I could eat like that. ;)
For New Years The family was sick, so it just Mike and I and the kids. It was quiet and simple and relaxed. Very nice though. The kids went to bed fairly early and Mike and I stayed up cuddling on the couch and watching a movie that ended just in time for the count down and the New Years kiss. ;) Which Michael woke up shortly after and was up pretty much the whole night crying.. so it ended being a long night but we made it!
New Years day we went bowling with Mike's family and like every year we had a blast! I played better than I usually do. Mike and his dad and brothers... and Jenny are very competitive at sports with each other mainly bowling and pool. It's fun to watch them. I try to keep up.. and someday I'll beat'm at their own game.
When I contemplate the new year, I can only think of all the blessings that came pouring in! At the beginning of last year we were in the middle of purchasing our first home. We love it so much and we felt it was ours the moment we stepped foot in it. It fits our family and it was a loooong shot to get. It was a short sale and we made a low but fair offer on it and through miracles from the lord we got it. Mike was in a stressful job at the time, I could go on and on about it. All I can say to keep it short and to keep myself from turning into a fire breathing dragon again is that Mike and I were grateful for the opportunities working there got him so far but soooo disappointed in the men that he looked up to as mentors. It was a hard year there, Mike was amazing though! He stayed positive, continued to do his best even when his boss's tried their hardest to belittle him in the office (seriously, I can't understand men's egos) and when they tried pushing him down, he kept pushing up. He stayed honest with clients, was genuine and kind and because of those qualities, through another customer, another loan officer with her own team sought after to hire Mike. Once our home closed and several "second chances with his boss's he walked out and quit. It was the best day! seriously!! I cried tears of joy.. literally! I felt all the negativity and frustration lift off my shoulders, that we could finally rid ourselves of those darn guys. ;)
So eventually Mike took the job with this other lady to be her assistant and it has been such a blessing in our home. She has been so good to our family and so good to Mike. She values him and I can't tell you how important that is to me. Finally someone who see's Mike and how hard he works the way I do and isn't threatened by his potential. Both of them have benefited from this partnership. It was so heart breaking for me to watch the man I love work his tail off in hopes of getting approval and appreciation from his boss, to get put down instead, to be lied about, to take the blame for their mistakes, to be accused of things he never did, and for his integrity to be questioned all in the name of someone else's pride and ego. He gave his all and he turned the other cheek when all this was going on, giving them forgiveness. I just couldn't stand it. I can definitely learn from Mike's example. Even to this day he won't say a bad thing about them. When people ask, he only mention's the positives. When just the other day we heard from a client that they have been throwing Mike's name in the mud, telling people they had to "let him go" that he isn't a good loan officer. Seriously? man.. can you tell I'm just a little tender about this? ;) Anyway, this has come up right when I have been contemplating the new year, and I broke down in tears the other night in gratitude to Our Father in Heaven who got Mike out of that awful work situation and provided him better one. He's been blessed and in turn blessed our home with peace and comfort. We just love his new boss, she is one of a kind for sure! It's really been a great year!
I guess I didn't keep that short.. but it felt good to rid that off my chest. It just goes to show that the lord is really aware of our lives! He blesses us when we do good. I am so grateful to Mike that he doesn't give in to the pressures of other men to lie and cheat people just for money, that he involves the lord not just in his personal life but in his work life as well. He may not be incredibly wealthy but he has blessed our home and family immensely for choosing the right even at work. It's a hard decision to make these days and he does it because he wants to be obedient. It's what I find so attractive about him. Sorry, I could go and on about this too! haha I am one of those doting wives who raves about her "perfect" husband... rubbing it in to everyone's face.. not at all what I am trying to do. ;) seriously! He's not perfect at all but I will say that I am grateful his imperfections are not the ones of deceit, greed, and pride... mainly because I can be pretty prideful at times and it would be hard to have two of us like that. ;) haha
Anyways, We had a great year, so many blessings to count, some hardships along the way, and a loved Sister gone to heaven as well. Life keeps us guessing. We have so much more going on this year and thank goodness for this blog to jot it all down. ;) Hope you all had a great Holiday this month! I will update more soon! I promise I have more to talk about! Love to you all!
Love, Camilla :)
This month was such a blurr! I guess I'll start with Christmas. First we had a ward Christmas party. It was really nice.. I really love our ward! We have really amazing people who feel like family to us. I was the photographer who got to take the pictures of the kids on Santa's knee, and oh my goodness gracious the guy who played Santa (brother Belliston) was amazing! He looked like the real deal! and he was perfect! He's so jolly and charismatic naturally anyways, so it was really a no brainer for him to be Santa. Even I got my picture with him, because I adore him! He's been apart of Mike's life since he was a young'n. Here are the pics from that and anyone from our ward who might read this, your pictures are on their way! :)
My kids crack me up! Michael of course stuck out his tongue, Grace was sweet like always and Abigail liked him from a distance but Santa wanted a crying picture.. and he got what he asked for! Seriously none of the other kids cried when they saw him (i'm talking about the whole primary full of kids) He's so sweet, that every kid smiles.. but not Abigail.. she just looked at us and puckerd her lips and her chin and bottom lip started to quiver.. She is soooooooo cute when she cries!
Afterwards (the Christmas party was a breakfast by the way) that evening some ladies I serve with in Primary had a girls night and celebrated our good friend (Kari)'s birthday. We had quite the adventure! It was a long night full of imperfections that had us laughing and soaking wet from the wind and rain. We went to Applebee's and went bowling.. pretty simple right? wrong..seriously everything that could have gone wrong, did.. and it was pretty funny! I just love the ladies I serve with! We have a blast and they are so real and down to earth. It really was sooo much fun!
For Christmas eve we had our good friends (the Nielsens) over and we always have fun with them. We just goof off. I took a ton of pictures but I have yet to upload them so that'll be on the next post. We both made yummy appetizers and we had loaded potato soup for dinner. We also decorated sugar cookies for Santa with the kids. We had some fun with that. Once the kids were done and running around, we made a delicious looking cookie woman giving birth in honor of my sister having a baby the following week ahead and we sent her the picture.. it was pretty gory.. and sooo funny! We also made some other hilarious ones. The reason we do this is because the back story from a few years ago.. Mike and I were in Utah for Christmas and my Mom's tradition is to decorate sugar cookies for Santa. Well she has some serious OCD when it comes to nicely decorated cookies (sorry mom) it's the truth. We're pretty much her slaves and we have to make them look nice (her orders) Just kidding! (we love decorating pretty cookies mom!) Anyway, Mike did not know this, we did not warn him. He started decorating his own creativity, making his own colors and patterns (not pretty at all) well when my mom came in to see the cookies, my mom pointed to Mike's cookies and asked who made these hideous cookies? (thinking it was one of my brothers goofing off) and (she was mad). We all look over kinda confused, that's when my step dad walked over to see what she was frustrated over and he saw Mike's cookie's and said (excuse the language), "THIS LOOKS LIKE A PILE OF SHIT!!) oh. my. gosh. We were laughing sooooo hard! and I still laugh to the point of tears every time I think about it. They didn't know that Mike was actually doing his best work and they didn't know it was his. Poor guy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So that led on to my siblings and I giving my parents a hard time and actually (purposefully) making "POOP" cookies. So This year I made ginger bread men cut out sugar cookies and made brown choc frosting and made the man look like he had pooped his pants and sent the picture to my parents. Anyways that is our new tradition between us kids and now my parents. We then had Apple Crumble pie and vanilla ice cream and watched Tim Allen's "the Santa Clause" one of my favorites. We also opened Christmas jammies. After the Nielsen's went home we got the kiddos ready for bed, read our Scriptures, this time about Jesus's birth and went to bed... well the kids did and Mr. and Mrs Clause got the presents ready under the tree and ate cookies and milk. ;)
The kids had a blast Christmas morning, they were loved and Santa was generous this year.. more than we had planned. We went for simple and we still were pretty simple other than the fact we bought them humongous stuffed animals (2 unicorns and 1 lion) the kids loved them but they take up a lot of room. For breakfast I made my usual croissant sausage, egg and cheese casserole. We love it and I have made it almost every year since we've been married.
Later that afternoon we went to Mike's sister's house for a Family Christmas party. It was fun as usual. Jen is awesome at planning games and activities and we also had a white elephant gift exchange, which was very entertaining! I gorged on Russian tea cakes.. MY FAVORITE!! and some delicious chocolate hazelnut fudge my Sister in law Chris made. She is the best at desserts. I'm pretty sure I ate 2 lbs of butter that day.. but I didn't gain weight. I gained 1 lb the whole holiday week! Which is a miracle... or just exercising everyday so I could eat like that. ;)
For New Years The family was sick, so it just Mike and I and the kids. It was quiet and simple and relaxed. Very nice though. The kids went to bed fairly early and Mike and I stayed up cuddling on the couch and watching a movie that ended just in time for the count down and the New Years kiss. ;) Which Michael woke up shortly after and was up pretty much the whole night crying.. so it ended being a long night but we made it!
New Years day we went bowling with Mike's family and like every year we had a blast! I played better than I usually do. Mike and his dad and brothers... and Jenny are very competitive at sports with each other mainly bowling and pool. It's fun to watch them. I try to keep up.. and someday I'll beat'm at their own game.
When I contemplate the new year, I can only think of all the blessings that came pouring in! At the beginning of last year we were in the middle of purchasing our first home. We love it so much and we felt it was ours the moment we stepped foot in it. It fits our family and it was a loooong shot to get. It was a short sale and we made a low but fair offer on it and through miracles from the lord we got it. Mike was in a stressful job at the time, I could go on and on about it. All I can say to keep it short and to keep myself from turning into a fire breathing dragon again is that Mike and I were grateful for the opportunities working there got him so far but soooo disappointed in the men that he looked up to as mentors. It was a hard year there, Mike was amazing though! He stayed positive, continued to do his best even when his boss's tried their hardest to belittle him in the office (seriously, I can't understand men's egos) and when they tried pushing him down, he kept pushing up. He stayed honest with clients, was genuine and kind and because of those qualities, through another customer, another loan officer with her own team sought after to hire Mike. Once our home closed and several "second chances with his boss's he walked out and quit. It was the best day! seriously!! I cried tears of joy.. literally! I felt all the negativity and frustration lift off my shoulders, that we could finally rid ourselves of those darn guys. ;)
So eventually Mike took the job with this other lady to be her assistant and it has been such a blessing in our home. She has been so good to our family and so good to Mike. She values him and I can't tell you how important that is to me. Finally someone who see's Mike and how hard he works the way I do and isn't threatened by his potential. Both of them have benefited from this partnership. It was so heart breaking for me to watch the man I love work his tail off in hopes of getting approval and appreciation from his boss, to get put down instead, to be lied about, to take the blame for their mistakes, to be accused of things he never did, and for his integrity to be questioned all in the name of someone else's pride and ego. He gave his all and he turned the other cheek when all this was going on, giving them forgiveness. I just couldn't stand it. I can definitely learn from Mike's example. Even to this day he won't say a bad thing about them. When people ask, he only mention's the positives. When just the other day we heard from a client that they have been throwing Mike's name in the mud, telling people they had to "let him go" that he isn't a good loan officer. Seriously? man.. can you tell I'm just a little tender about this? ;) Anyway, this has come up right when I have been contemplating the new year, and I broke down in tears the other night in gratitude to Our Father in Heaven who got Mike out of that awful work situation and provided him better one. He's been blessed and in turn blessed our home with peace and comfort. We just love his new boss, she is one of a kind for sure! It's really been a great year!
I guess I didn't keep that short.. but it felt good to rid that off my chest. It just goes to show that the lord is really aware of our lives! He blesses us when we do good. I am so grateful to Mike that he doesn't give in to the pressures of other men to lie and cheat people just for money, that he involves the lord not just in his personal life but in his work life as well. He may not be incredibly wealthy but he has blessed our home and family immensely for choosing the right even at work. It's a hard decision to make these days and he does it because he wants to be obedient. It's what I find so attractive about him. Sorry, I could go and on about this too! haha I am one of those doting wives who raves about her "perfect" husband... rubbing it in to everyone's face.. not at all what I am trying to do. ;) seriously! He's not perfect at all but I will say that I am grateful his imperfections are not the ones of deceit, greed, and pride... mainly because I can be pretty prideful at times and it would be hard to have two of us like that. ;) haha
Anyways, We had a great year, so many blessings to count, some hardships along the way, and a loved Sister gone to heaven as well. Life keeps us guessing. We have so much more going on this year and thank goodness for this blog to jot it all down. ;) Hope you all had a great Holiday this month! I will update more soon! I promise I have more to talk about! Love to you all!
Love, Camilla :)
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