Opening up..

So tonight, I needed to relax, being a mom can be stressful, my job never ends and there is so much to do, not just with the kids but other responsibilities outside of the home. My body is feeling sore after it's injuries a couple weeks ago and my mind is exhausted so after the kids went to sleep I took a relaxing Epsom salt bath. I had a lot of time to think...

There is a thought weighing hard on my mind...

Have any of you ever met someone and you could tell by the air, that you bug them or that they don't like you? Even though there is no real evidence, just body language and observation of how they treat others versus you. Why is that?  I wonder. Why is it that this person doesn't seem to like you? What are you doing wrong? have you offended them? I hope not! Why don't they seem to like me? That is a question I ask myself sometimes. Actually all the time when I was a young girl. I hate that feeling. It makes me feel weird and not likeable.

You may not know this, but I am super insecure inside.. I don't feel super likeable, I'm friendly but what if someone knew all your quarks the weirdness that makes you.... you and they didn't like you or they thought you were weird. That is how I feel a lot. I was picked on in middle school for being "different" I was a "Molly Mormon." Even though 90% of my peers shared my same faith. But it wasn't just in school, it was in my young women classes too. I had zero friends for a while.. not joking. Even though as an adult, I realize how ridiculous those boys and girls were acting, it still effects apart of me. I was called nasty names on a daily bases, my home was egged, and the girls in my young women's classes refused to sit next to me or talk to me, and called me names there as well. I didn't understand why I was so unlikeable. I tried so hard.. I was that girl who cried in her bedroom at night because she felt so alone. My mom would tell me what every mom, and exactly what I would tell my daughter, and that is, they are jealous. In my mind, I was stuck thinking, "of what?" they have it all, I'm not cuter than they are? so they have no real reason to be jealous if that was the case.

There were some instances where I had young women leaders who treated me differently, they were rude sometimes.. there was one in particular that my mom had spoken to, and it came down to.. that she thought because I am "cute, blonde, and talented" that I didn't need "extra attention" She didn't want my ego to blow out of proportion. (This was middle school age, not high school where we lived in Provo)( My young women leaders and friends there were awesome!!) ;)

I promise I am going some where with this!

These things have gotten me thinking.. Women are just grown up girls. We still have the same insecurities and sometimes deal with that struggle.

We should give everyone a fair chance. The beautiful, plain, talented, outgoing, shy, even the socially awkward. Give them a chance for a true friend. Enough with judging others or ignoring them because they aren't like you.

I sure hope I don't make anyone feels this way! I know that I don't spark up conversations with nearly the amount of women I want to get to know within my own ward. I want to be better at that. It hurts being left out. I can't tell you enough that just because in your eyes I may look like I am super confident, that I might have a pretty face or I am super outgoing, doesn't mean I am just as insecure, I may not see what you and the world sees, and all I want is a friend. I really just want a chance for you to get to know me because I think I can make a really great friend.

There is this song that I love from the Primary Song book called "I'll walk with you." and it says, "if you don't talk like most people do, some people walk away from you, but I won't, I won't! If you don't talk as most people do, some people talk and laugh at you, but I won't! I won't! I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you. Jesus walked away from none. He gave his love to everyone, so I will, I will! Jesus blessed all he could see, then turned and said, "come follow me!" So I will, I will! I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you!"

That is one of my absolute favorite hymns! The words are true and so simple to understand! We don't truly know what is going on in the mind of a person. They may seem like they have it all together, but inside they feel like shambles. You may judge what they say or how they act because they don't talk or act the way you do or would in certain situations. Really those people still deserve your friendship. I can totally relate. I tend to feel frustrated with people when I don't understand them... so I'm totally not on my "high horse" preaching repentance! ;) This subject has just been on my mind a lot, and I can relate both ways and I really hurt for the person who is insecure inside, because I can relate. It's a crappy feeling when you give a friendly face to someone, to have them in turn ignore you. Sometimes when we are rushed we ignore our surroundings, I guess it would be better for us to slow down and make the people around us feel loved, important, and accepted.

To the world, I may seem like I have it all together, You might think I'm pretty, or that I am smart and talented and because  you think this, you might think I also know this to be true but it's the opposite. I don't always see what others see. I see a young girl who struggles with rosacea on her cheeks, dark circles under her eyes, crooked teeth, broad shoulders, mommy pooch, saggy boobs, but I'm not just insecure on the outside, but inside a little too. I don't feel smart, I am a deep thinker and sometimes I don't feel relatable with people. I am quirky and have a silly sense of humor and I laugh at potty jokes. I walk around with a big smile on my face and sometimes that bugs people (that's rare I think), and when I recognize someone, I don't hesitate to run over and talk to them even if I forgot their name. I think spiritual all the time. I think that is my biggest insecurity. Shouldn't be. but it is sometimes. I feel like people don't relate with me and I fear people might think I'm weird. I don't understand why my mind won't shut off to thinking deeply like that. With all this said, I want to share that because of these insecurities, I don't walk around in a dark hole, when I said I walk around with a smile on my face, I do because I know who I am in my Father in Heaven's eyes and that is all that matters to me. (also my husband makes me feel beautiful to him, and that's all that matters too.) but that doesn't mean I believe him all the time.. he is half blind after all! ;) but even knowing who I am as a daughter of God doesn't mean I still face challenges of insecure thoughts.

The reason why I feel so insecure about these things, is because in the past I have been made fun of for all of the above. So I keep it in. I didn't want to share this and have people who read this to run to my aide.. I just want everyone to know who I am inside, and I think these thoughts can help us all care a little more for the people around us that you "think" you have figured out. We really don't know what the deepest thoughts are in the people around us.

Anyways, today I just miss my family, and my miss my dear friends who became sisters to me, Rachel, Sara, and Jura. ;) Wish we all didn't have to live so darn far apart! XOXOXO!

P.S.. This all might be me just super girly hormonal.. even us women can't figure ourselves out! Sheesh! ;)

Love, Camilla